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the soft pretzels from Jamba Juice are high school food

I will watch any awards shows for anything at any time. I’ve recently come to accept that about myself

We have the kind of shower where the temperature stays set and whenever I see the temp my boyfriend showered at I think awwwww what a little pussy

the Oscars needs a Randomista Czar — just one woman or gay who oversees the whole thing to make sure there isn’t a portion that’s simply too randomista

One of the scariest things you can do is leave the TV on after an awards show

Nothing like watching my boyfriend pass out zyns under the table at dinner with my extended family

This is niche but Taylor Fritz’s passion for his Chipotle partnership is the most endearing thing in all of sports

My favorite thing in the world is to chew ice, my least favorite thing is to feel cold. A really challenging lifestyle

We are all way too aware of the term “Barbara Broccoli”

Today I have physical therapy, hypnotherapy, and an allergy shot. Gonna be unstoppable by EOD

A normal person would simply text their Taco Bell order. My partner does it notes app apology style

My straight boyfriend just said “we should rewatch SMASH.” My work here is done

The Pitt Boyfriend, can’t-watch-a-medical-drama-or-will-have-panic-attack-but-enjoying-all-the-Noah-Wyle-thirst Girlfriend

The difference between a Marriott and a JW Marriott is the kind of thing you wonder about for years but refuse to google

Today I learned that I am a lot of people’s token White Sox fan friend

I left my Diet Coke in the car but brought my boyfriend’s inside which is sort of a zone defense approach

I was using a vacuum at the car wash and it sucked up an old Nerds gummy cluster from between the seats and I sincerely thought “wow I wonder if the vacuum’s tasted one of those before, he’s gonna love it”

The craziest part of Couples Therapy is that people aren’t touching that dog the entire time

There’s a special place in hell for a woman who leaves the stall and does not warn you that there’s no toilet paper in there

I love Los Angeles so much but today Anna Drezen texted me a photo of a bottle of skim milk and I assumed it was a Skims collab. I am beyond repair