Being part of the problem means you’re halfway there.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, it can also be sent.

If I say “huh” then answer your question my brain was just buffering.

I lost 30 pounds

Everything should come with a side of cake.

If only there was more time in the day to do all the nothing I want.

New glasses

Sometimes people come into your life and that’s enough of that.

Oohhh hheeeyyyyyy 😉

I love getting into a clean Uber because it’s nice to know how kid-free people live.

But have you tried to hug me about it?

Don't you fucking worry about how many Pop Tarts I've eaten.

I screamed as my co-worker came out of the bathroom, but in my defense, her face was painted like Tammy Faye Baker!

Did you know that if AC changes 'office' to 'orifice' in your email you get to meet the folks in HR?

Hell hath no fury like a wife with a new outfit you didn’t notice.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

If you accidentally get off the elevator at the wrong floor, you must walk around the hallway before getting back on, otherwise people might think you’re an idiot

You’re only as old as you feel.

~feels 103

You can either turn on personalized ads or you can get less relevant ads. Either way you’re getting ads.

According to this audit notice I just received, there's no tax credit for adopting a highway.