My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him: 'My door is always open.'

I started reading a horror story in
braille.

Something bad is about to happen - can feel it.

I'm retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and am tired again today.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm. I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted. Turns out that is 9 pm.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was 'It's worth it to spend money on good speakers.'

That was some sound advice.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t.

You get down from a goose.

I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

The word queue is ironic.

It's just a 'q' with a bunch of silent letters waiting in a line.

I woke up to drink some water in the middle of the night and I accidentally ate a whole pizza and a cheesecake.

3 years ago I married my best friend...

My girlfriend was angry but Dave and me thought it was hilarious.

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander woman.

A B-flat, a E-flat and a G-flat walk into a bar.

The bartender says 'Sorry I don't serve minors'.

What have you got if you have too many knights?

A sir-plus.

We should be able to call in healthy: “I'm not coming in today. I feel really good and I don't want to waste it on being at work.”

My newborn is thrilled to finally have some more space to stretch out.

He was running out of womb.

How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

Easy, one will see you later, the other will see you in a while.