Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.

He must have been working from home.

I've changed my Facebook username to NOBODY...

So now when people post crap, I can press the 'like' button and it'll say NOBODY likes this.

What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.

I said that’s not nececelery true.

At a certain point in your life, sitting at home alone watching TV on a Friday night goes from being super depressing to the most enjoyable part of your week.

Marvin Gaye used to keep sheep in his vineyard.

He'd herd it through the grapevine.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in the local park.

So basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend.

My neighbour is dead against it.

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.

Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss - What time will you get here?

Me - Monday.

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said, “Yes, try Sarah Topps.”

Doctor: You have Tom Jones Syndrome

Me: Is that common?

Doctor: It's not unusual

What do you call a frenchman who has been attacked by a cat?

Claude.

Whoever said I can't cook hasn't tried my 3am handful of shredded cheese.

I'm tired of waking up for school & I'm not even the one going.

I am now 'take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger and read it' years old.

On my application form, when it says who to contact in an emergency...

I always put, ambulance or police...

I mean wtf's my mother gonna do?