I was too young for the Cola Wars, now I’m too old for the Blue Jeans Wars.

Do you ever forget to eat or are you normal?

This hotel is great. The towels are so big and fluffy I can barely close my suitcase.

Cleaning out your camera roll is the new walk of shame

i did not give you permission to tickle my fancy

Got kicked outta Poetry Twitter for rhyming Regurgitate with Impregnate,..admittedly, it wasn’t my proudest moment.

I was recently walkin’ on sunshine and it felt mid.

It got named SeaWorld because Finland was already taken.

It’s throw a steak on the grill o’clock,

Rehab is a great place to meet people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but your clothes are still in the washing machine.

Look, i'm just doing what the neighbor cat tells me

I’m willing to bet you’re more Batshit Crazy than whatever Britney Spears is doing right now. Followed

Tell people on the internet that their opinions are wrong. People love that.

When I came back from the bathroom, both my date and tater tots were gone.

Nothing is what you think it is. I don’t care if you don’t believe me.

As I recognize several people on my jury from Twitter, I realize I'm going to jail.

Tommy Robinson 🇬🇧 You can do better than this, Britain 🇬🇧 🫡

I'll come but I'm showing up disheveled.

BREAKING - After losing nearly $100 million in stock value from its rebrand, Cracker Barrel’s CEO is doubling down, saying only a “vocal minority” is upset and that the chain is “moving in the right direction.”