i am like the opposite of artificial intelligence. genuine stupidity.

please please please let me get what i want

show a woman a picture of bob mortimer to calm her down instantly

like no offense but to be a taylor swift fan it seems like you have to be completely unaware of any music that came before to see her as a genius

Rishi Sunak is a horrible little ghoul and his government have already condemned hundreds of disabled people to death. Maybe the reason people are sick more is because of poverty and food insecurity and poor housing and a crumbling NHS that can’t support their needs.

therapist: what’s up

me: unfortunately not my serotonin levels

Forgot I cut all my hair off and I’ve just wasted so much shampoo in the shower 🥲

green expert here: this is a good one

Marmaduke Grylls and Barron Trump should be forced to fight in the Colosseum

So I’ve been stealing my wife’s face cream for the last couple of days. Come to find out it’s actually my face cream that she bought for me but never told me. The thrill was in the stealing and now it don’t moisturise the same.

having a bf who’s big on “just because” surprises and gifts is the best, I feel so loved 24/7🥲

I swear lorry drivers just have it out for me and my car

Morgonn, real quick, the bathrooms on the plane you flew on to get there, what gender were those?

you look like you’ve been embalmed

You could sit that guy on the Jedi Council and I wouldn’t blink an eye

James has put me in charge of the music for our drive on Monday, how much harry styles can I play before I drive him insane

Baby trying to learn to sit. ❤️😂😂

oh no the coffee made me anxious

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.