My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party She meant hammered. Yep! Hammered

👏FIX👏ALL👏THE👏BROKEN👏SELF-CHECKOUTS👏

Just wrapped my gifts without patching a single short side so, obviously, I'm buying a lottery ticket.

80% of marriage is showing your spouse the item they couldn't find is in the exact place you told them to look.

my favorite holiday tradition is setting my out of office email status

[eating sugar, dairy, processed food] My body: perfect things are going well [drinking 1.5 gallons of water] My body: sick for 4 days due to water poisoning

I strained my back scrambling to hit “Skip Intro” on Netflix

Sure the tv show Survivor looks challenging but have you ever gone grocery shopping with your in-laws?

I’m 1.7% Italian so ordering pizza for Christmas dinner is just the right thing to do

After 36 Christmases, I'm starting to understand Ebenezer.

My 3yo made this gingerbread house and I think someone better do a welfare check on Santa

We kissed in front of our 5 year old and she’s been laughing for six minutes straight, in case anyone’s wondering what married life is like after kids

I like to feed my kid balanced meals from the 4 toddler food groups. 1. Things he ate yesterday that he refused today. 2. Things he doesn’t want but I’m hoping to get him to eat anyway. 3. Things he thinks he wants but will spit out after one bite. 4. Goldfish crackers.

It’s January 1 and my kid keeps making jokes like “I haven’t farted all year”. The dad genes are strong with this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, moms and dads, it’s a new year with the same old parenting nonsense! Share with us your PG parenting tweets for love and head shakes. Ends at 6pm. x.com/deloisivete/st…

Come one, come all- it’s time to share some laughs and groans with all PG parenting tweets all day, or until 6pm EST. Drop a few for likes, RTs, and commiseration. x.com/copymama/statu…

Happy Sunday! It’s time for everyone’s favorite Tweet Call of the week (or so we tell ourselves). Drop us a few PG parenting tweets for likes, RTs, and our condolences. Ends at 6pm EST. x.com/rodlacroix/sta…

There’s no better time than now (until 6pm EST) for our weekly parenting tweet call! Reply with some PG parenting tweets for likes, laughs, and RTs. x.com/kevinthedad/st…

Good morning Parental Units! It’s that time of the week where we ask for parenting tweets and you send them to us! Do you best to keep it clean and have fun! Ends at 6pm est or when the kids have taken over! x.com/mcdadstuff/sta…