Rejoined twitter because I had a bunch of good one liners....just forgot them all.

How bizarre

Memes are the best things that have come from the "new internet."

Facebook is ruining my life, I'm sure Twitter will come in for the assist soon enough.

When you get in the shower and the water is too hot, but no other temperature but the initial scalding will suffice... 💁🏽

Stainmaster paying homage to David Lynch ? 🤔

I'm sick of people trying to tell me how to live my life via bumper sticker

Coworkers: What are you doing on your vacation? Me: Playing Diablo III

Show me a Nation with a science-hostile government, and I'll show you a society with failing health, wealth, & security.

...when the cow filter on Snapchat doesn't work on you 🤔🤔🤔

When dudes screw up they buy girls flowers and jewelry. What should girls buy their dudes in this situation?

Ever since there was a bat in my house, I feel like another could be lurking around any corner.

You think I'm going to open a phone book? It's 2017. Quit killing the trees for me to throw that B right back in the recycling bin.

I just knocked my coffee over with my butt. I was mad until I remembered people pay thousands of dollars for this opportunity.