judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth me: no judge: [covers mic] what do I do

[first day as a baker] boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

[sees shark fin swimming toward me] Oh no [its a boy wearing a shark fin hat] Phew [the boy is riding a shark] Oh no

WIFE: [watching the news] Apparently someone broke into the zoo and stole some tarantulas ME: [bringing 7 tiny dinner plates upstairs] whoa really

me: [absolutely killing it on harmonica] taco bell cashier: are you gonna order

[zombie apocalypse] SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

me: [lighting fireworks] are you ready uber driver: for what

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

MOM: Here’s 1000 dollars for your trip to Japan should last the whole month [48 hours into trip] ME, on phone: *holding 137 nunchucks* Mom I’m in trouble

I am always surprised that I cannot drink water laying down

spoke pretty highly of scotus central catholic until I hopped on word today to find out that they shut down my email that holds my office account :/

legends

me: are you mad at me therapist: for the last time no

chai cookies + sparkly drinks ofc #midnighTSnosleepover

hey Taylor Nation it's me emily. i'll catch u in kc on 7/7

@EmersonAnnaB "it's worse than dead"

@EmersonAnnaB THESE VIDEOS OF MY SISTER KEEP GETTING BETTER

happy one year to my fav recognizing my existence and showing my face to nearly 50 million. Cool cool.

went to golf practice in my school uniform skort and was asked why I was wearing a kilt. #catholicschoolprobs