Dating is hard because there’s a lot of pressure when you’re always the hotter smarter funnier and more successful one in the equation. And humble too

"comparison is the thief of joy" well not if you're better than everyone else

“immaterial”

don’t do consulting

Woke up at 4 am last night, frantically wrote this in my notes app, then immediately passed out again

if an accountant shows you their spreadsheet, you have to understand that’s a sign of great respect in their culture

i will be Fixed if i make enough Lists

who’s trying to quietly hang out this fall

In absence of a boyfriend, it is important to pavlov one’s male friends into pseudoboyfriending the core duties—listening half-heartedly to your endless talking, driving you to locations, inaccessible emotional unavailability that keeps you sharp and on your toes, etc

I’ll be like "i needed that laugh" and it’ll be something i said

absolutely no 1 is doing it like him

Whores never did a holocaust

my friend took a pregnancy test and my voice note just said “well diva…what’s the verdict. Hanger or no hanger?” these are not sentences found in the bible

You've lost your virginity but have you lost your west virginity?