if we’re drinking and i start talking about my dad just take me home

every day i order the same thing from dunkin and every morning they give me something new and i think that’s beautiful

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I love when I realize that I’m handling a situation better than my old self would

Me 20 years from now watching Mac Miller’s tiny desk concert

Working on site today

me in the club gone off that Hennessy waiting for somebody to bump me

when u stfu to be the bigger person but they keep talking

Babe I get that you’re mad and look, I hear you, okay? But I think you’re sitting on my vape

me walking to the bathroom pretending to be sober (not knowing where i am)

Congrats on your sand castle buddy, let me know when you have an 85” 4K LED TV with access to 7 hours of commercial free football

“um as you should?” to my best friend describing a felony

(henry hill voice) “we were on top of the world. but then it all came crashing down. Sal Sideburns got pinched and he spilled the beans on Mickey Menorah. pretty soon the feds pinched everybody. Tony Torah, Paulie Passover, Donny Dreidel.” x.com/WarWatchs/stat…

Everyone on Twitter deleting their conspiracy Kate Middleton tweets

I’d break up with someone over this lol

the only tortured poet I acknowledge

you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think "good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing"

Now that I’m officially the family’s mac n cheese lady, I move different in the house