I've always had strong standards for excellence

Could be about tractors, could be about me, lmk

Ah, the classic children's game "Duck, Duck, Dick"

Nothing beats the gift of trust in my ability to chop mushrooms for Christmas dinner—obviously from my dad, certainly not without a reminder to “be uniform”

The reprise of my Twitter presence is not unlike the Sex and the City reboot: slightly out of touch, not funny, sure to be lamented by some, centered on the possibility of death by indoor exercise

If I ever won an Oscar, I'd first thank the man at 7-Eleven who just cashed my $5 lotto win and dismissed the computer's auto celebration music as "not that applicable." Thank you for always pushing me to strive for more

How Dostoevsky’s Notes from Underground might have read, had he lived to self-isolate with COVID

Is a sudden desire to watch Fear Factor a symptom of Omicron?

But does it place the lotion in the basket?

Nothing makes me less grateful than an unsolicited Ted Talk monologue on gratitude by anyone within a three-step radius of where I'm seated

Have you sent an email with the subject line "Spatulas" today or do you have actual goals you're working toward?

New game: Zodiac cipher or text from mom?

Is the man in the top hat behind the deli counter simply spicing up his week or spiraling downward at breakneck speed?

My quality of sleep is in the hands of this very successful badger who happens to know a lot about branding

How many Atlantic articles about the gentle demise of adult friendships can I safely consume until I spontaneously combust?

Climate change is scary, but how about the fact that every day a child is brought into this world who will grow up to be the kind of person who updates their LinkedIn header to "mentor" at age 28?

This morning I saw a man order a dozen bagels and declare "any flavor, I don't care" with reckless abandon — a flavor of lunacy bound to pave the way for a successful White House run

Yes weather channel, please tell me more about the implications of rain on Cinco de Mayo for the whitest swaths of New York

Life is about balance. You hit a professional milestone, then remember your recent search history

I thought “zen” was a safe playlist choice for my first massage, until the entire Severance score commenced