It would take two weeks of constant gum chewing to burn off one pound of fat.

At a restaurant? Wash your hands after ordering. The menu is generally the dirtiest thing you can touch!

Learning a new language? Try to find a translation of your favorite book when you were 9-12.

im in the mood to receive a check for six hundred thousand dollars

if u see me smiling in public it means im laughing at the jokes i tell myself in my head

started from the bottom and i was somehow able to get lower

Cutting people from your life doesn't mean you hate them... it simply means you respect yourself.

im in the mood to receive a check for six hundred thousand dollars

Interfenestration - the space between two windows.

i saw a piece of shit on the ground today it reminded me of u

do u ever want to punch yourself in the face for liking someone a lot

Losing one night of sleep will impair reasoning and brain function for four days.

When I get married, divorce is not an option. You're mad? Take your ass in the other room

where I live, we have 5 seasons, not 4between Winter and Spring we have a season called WingIt's not Winter or Spring, u just Wing it

the sad moment when you realize you only have 1 maybe 2 true friends

The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

Astronomers suggest that 10 billion earth-like planets may exist in our very own galaxy.

That awkward moment when you remember something funny, start smiling like an idiot and everyone stares at you wondering why you're smiling.

If you want to hide something, hide it at eye level. People never look up when they're searching for something hidden.

Sharing a common enemy can bring two individuals closer to one another.