I Need To Shoot My Phone

fluent in yappanese

This childless cat lady is a U.S. Senator.

“You’re drunk you can barely walk” Yeah that’s why I’m gonna drive home retard

I love saying ‘sorry I’m out of it today’ as if there has been a day in the past fucking five years I’ve been in it

quiet coastoid, a Midwesterner is speaking

Branding him as “Coach Walz” is so fucking smart

Notice how the barrel of Walz’s gun is pointed away from his dog.

I've seen the greatest minds of my generation ruined by white boyfriends

"barack obama summer playlist "barack obama summer reading list" ENOUGH. the people yearn for the Kamala Harris wine reccs and the Kamala Harris recipe list

when my friend tells me we're going to the club with $40 cover

unfortunately this city is called graduate school and your sworn enemies also live there

unfortunately i am not demure or mindful i am loud and stupid

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

it can be so healing to have a cat who's a little man and also a babygirl but above all else, an idiot

not a fan of these words in this order

happy Labor Day — thank a union

if my name was kevin my tinder bio would be “imma make you sound like the mom from home alone”

It’s giving “I’ll Be There for You”