a man is dying and we waste time pronouncing a five syllable word like defibrillator anyway nurse pass the defibrillator this man is dying

[kidnapper asking for ransom] pay by 6 pm or i start sending u his fingers [gf trying to unlock my phone] can u start with his right thumb

these sunny side up eggs turned out much different from every other time

the solar eclipse really damaged my eyes cos i had to switch my twitter app from day mode to night mode and then day mode again

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

me: [leans in for kiss] robber: quickly but then money

hill

dont come down here x.com/MotherOfIncest…

[being buried alive] me: que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria why cosa buena hitman: *throwing mud* me: dale a tu cuerpo alegria, macarena hitman: *stops throwing mud* both: hey macarena

facebook app: white background snapchat app: white background instagram app: white background twitter app: OMG MY EYES TURN ON NIGHT MODE

[high school reunion] me: u remember me skipping math class to see u ex: aww yeah me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

[hires private investigator to find myself]

[sigh] this is way toooo real. Catch more 🔥 tweets on #AM2DM 😂

u can reply "is this from a simpsons episode" to any tweet. odds are ur probably right

[pilot announces crash landing] me: (grabs hand of passenger next to me) do u wanna buy insurance

[opponent rapping about my mom in rap battle] me: its ok guys my parents are in an open relationship

The commercial was advising those who think they may suffer from depression to seek a doctor’s input. The author thought the commercial was suggesting he find out if his doctor suffered from depression. x.com/duumb/status/9…

[doorbell rings] how could this happen to me