Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

I don't care what anyone says, Michael Phelps is "Mr. Olympics" in my book.

In line at the DMV and Blues Traveler is playing.

Now we got Lifehouse's Hanging by a Moment playing.

She kissed me while I was pooping

If you listen to Turangalila Symphony and play the game, Journey, they go hand in hand.

Anyone else think Kellyanne Conway looks like a washed up old whore???

I wonder why they had to flush

Nothing like sitting on the toilet for half an hour getting ALL the air pockets out of my colon.

Solo Party. #SadFads

Falling asleep to H.P. Lovecraft audiobooks #SadFads

Getting cuckhammered #SadFads

If you think for one second I am going to let this president take me job .....

"fuck" "you" x.com/realdonaldtrum…

The miracle of weed isn't just that it gets you high, but weed humor is universal.

@Zakkbraf x.com/evanstonexxx/s…

Shopping for new sugar mamma

.Sean Spicer you're an XL right?

Just so u know, Nathan for You returns tonight w/ a 1 hr special called 'Nathan for You: A Celebration' 10pm/9c on Comedy Central