Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down Me *reads the news out loud* Spider *depressed* holy shit

A random unattended 7yo at the park told me and my son that gay people are the devil and are going to hell. My son scoffed, but the boy said it was true because God said so. I told him parents made up God to make their kids do what they want. His eyes got so big.

My 7yo told me that Jeremy gives her all the answers at school. As the conversation went on I found out that Jeremy is her brain. She named her brain Jeremy.

“what if some shirts came with a monthly subscription fee?” — the inventor of dry cleaning

[exam room] me: *waits patiently* doctor: *enters physicianly*

The weirdest example of toxic masculinity is the fact that the boat industry is the largest consumer of glitter in the world, but tries desperately to keep it a secret.

Driving from Chicago to Indiana be like

My kid just learned “uh oh spaghettios” but he keeps forgetting and is yelling “oh no noodles” instead

Last night I went to a bar, with the understanding that well-behaved women make history all the time. But then I saw a neon sign which changed everything.

My twin sister called me from prison. She said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

sure owning your own skis is expensive but at least it’s also extremely inconvenient

mind blown by a YouTube comment of all things

🗳️✅🥳 @SigchoFor25 Brandon Johnson

sad rn thinking about raccoons that live out in real nature who don't know about trash

I have another amazing condo for sale in case anyone is interested. Uptown, 2000 sf (yes), garage parking (although you don't need a car here), 1/2 block to the lakefront. Open houses Saturday and Sunday! susannahribstein.livingroomrealty.com/listing-detail…