my little brother just randomly said to me that double jumping is real and ancient brazilians used to do it

Could an empire in decline do THIS? *launches deeply unpopular invasion cementing status as lunatic-led pariah state, its not clear what kind of move i was trying to do*

Over two decades before I was born, Jack Kirby stole my epic world idea wherein all my novels that my friends won't read take place

Writing songs on the Hasbro baby's first piano. Like a man fighting the closing curtain of his life, my child cries when the music stops

Tyler Perry's Madea is real and I have met her in an ominous dream

I have a mailman's relationship with my dog

I peed out a small piece of pepperoni into a urinal at an arcade in McKinney TX when I was a child and nobody will believe me. They all think I'm crazy

ChatGPY, my pee is Gatorade blue, explain how this isn't a problem NOW

In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, we have removed the urinal dividers so customers of all colors can pee side by side, hand in hand (if you'd like) in harmony just as Dr. King probably wanted. Celina 52 is fully committed to doing what's right as long as it's convenient

Need to send a package through the mail bc I'm bored but can't bc of all the snow and frickin ice #WOKE

The curtains open— a man stands smiling on the stage, giving a friendly wave to the crowd. Another man charges at him from off stage right, slicing him in two with a katana, for realsies. The audience erupts with laughter. The curtains close.

your first draft isn't perfect? what? that's weird. i've never heard of that happening before. maybe you should give up

Just got an impromptu call from management bc I referred to my subordinates as "Papa's little elves"

Teaching my nephew stuff wrong on purpose cause he embarrassed me once 3 years ago

I'm not a diehard dog person, but it's a little validating to see how much horrible smells and scratch damage cat supremacists actually cannot perceive. Yeah my dog smells and I gotta clean them regularly, but my house in general does not smell like a perpetually dirty litterbox.

Money money money. It's always about money. Doesn't it make you sick Barista: (wearing earbuds, handing me cup of warm milk) you can tap whenever you're ready Me: (deep breath) I'm ready

Learn what time they throw out the pizzas and you will have free pizza for life. Dumpster diving, in addition to avocado toast abstinence, is the ultimate hack to home ownership.

Just kissed wife right on the lips for Valentine's! Can't wait to see her again next year