One time, I was at a Q&A with Nora Roberts, and someone asked her how to balance writing and kids, and she said that the key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic & some are made of glass.

a normal person explains what’s happening on the stock market:

“I’m here live, I’m not a cat,” says lawyer after Zoom filter mishap “I can see that,” responds judge

Just to be clear.... No one should ever be shot at with a taser during a routine traffic stop either.

Let’s be best friends but like the kind who admire each other from a distance but rarely speak.

Daughter: What were you doing in 1994, mom? Me: Ooo that was the first year I was allowed to dye my hair. That was cool! ...I mean, my parents also got divorced and my grandpop died, so there's that. Daughter: But it was a great year for your hair!

Husband: Remember, during the disaster at Knoebels-- Me: That's an amusement park, you mean Chernobyl. Husband: Right. What's the triangle chocolate? Me: ...Toblerone.

so did anyone else know that there was a massive pool noodle battle planned between all the people named Josh today that was ultimately won by a 5-year old named Josh who was crowned The Supreme Josh or was I just supposed to find this out on my own

I’m sorry I kicked a hole in your wall. I meant to roundhouse your face but my hips are tight.

In awe of the courage it took the first guy to add the “salad” in potato salad

Someone just spent thousands of dollars to write “Joe Rogan is literally 5 foot 3” in the skies of Los Angeles and honestly money well spent.

"why didn't we learn this in high school" bitch we did but you were drawing a picture of an eye

"normalize--" NO. normalize nothing. everything you do is weird now. you're free

Competitive Dadding: Vacation Edition, in which my husband saw a car driving to the beach with a kayak on top and said “Pshhh, that’s a one-person kayak. We have a 3-person kayak on the roof AND a cargo carrier, that guy’s lame.”

I discovered Shopify's "business name generator" tool is actually a ton of fun when you tell them your business is something like "murder"

Bud ...

I still struggle to understand what world the GOP hopes to lead? A disease-ravaged wasteland of gun-toting racists defending their landlord’s property from the roof as floodwaters rise under a moon-projected space ad for Capital One? OK! Almost there!

YM ES KHC 2021-2022 WO-21786: Samantha Mullen www2.heart.org/site/TR?fr_id=…

I’m not very crafty. Oh, this? This is my attack glitter.