My life has become so much less stressful now that I don't have to worry about making it to McDonald's by 10:30 if I want to order breakfast

My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. Needless to say, we got a cat

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven't seen since high school asking what you've been up to these days

I ordered a hot chocolate from Dunkin' Donuts a week ago and it still hasn't cooled down enough for me to safely take a sip of it...

My diet is so poor it sleeps on park benches and begs for spare change during rush hour

My gf and I chose an awful name for our new acapella act. Apparently "Watch while we duet" was misleading and not what the crowd came to see

Just realized I had a dryer sheet stuck in the sleeve of my sweatshirt all day so I get it women who don't know they're pregnant. I get it

Caitlyn Jenner is not a hero. People who work in retail on Black Friday are heroes

When you do crossfit and you haven't talked about it for 10 minutes

I just read an article on Pinterest called "Stress-free Elf on the Shelf ideas for busy moms" and now I'm afraid that I'm getting my period.

Meanwhile, in Boston right now...

Pro Tip: Don't be the guy who says "See you next year" to all of his co-workers at the end of the day today. Everyone hates that guy

Black ice is just like regular ice except the cops won't hesitate to shoot it when it's unarmed

I know a good cause when I see one

23 funny tweets about dating that are guaranteed to make you laugh bzfd.it/1UrKfMX

You know you're from Massachusetts when this seems normal to you

I don't want to live in a world where this is an actual thing that's happening

1860: The most qualified person for the job shall become president 2016: The person with the funniest Facebook memes shall become president

A cashier at the grocery store just saw how good I am at using self-checkout. Now he won't let me leave unless I apply to be general manager

Today is a big day. After months and months of hard work I have finally saved up enough money to invest in new razor blades. Feeling blessed