I did not choose the thug life. I subscribed to the thug life on a 2-week free trial, and I forgot to cancel before the free trial ended, and now the thug life will not stop charging my credit card.

i can see you’re very emotional right now so i’m gonna go eat some tacos while you calm down.

I considered getting up but staying in bed seems like a much better idea, especially with additional motivation.

Pronounces flaccid like flaxseed.

Me: *finally falling asleep, drooling a little* My brain at 3am: WAS DONALD DUCK EVEN *IN* THE NAVY

Hi, I just choked on my own spit. How you doing?

I like to put subtitles on so I can understand the dialogue but don't have to turn the TV up too loud years old

If you like interrupted sleep, feeling constantly tired and a million+ questions per day, then having kids might be for you.

I'm ready, food is ready, waiting for him to get home so we can start our Friday just right...

You don't hate me half as much as you hate the fact you're crushing hard and don't have access to my Fiancé. *skips away wearing a big fucking diamond ring*

Of course I'm not an idiot... I'm several idiots in an overcoat, trying to pass for an ordinary person.

Them: You’re always doing so much how do you manage it all? Me, drowning: hahaha I have no clue but could you help? Them: it’s just so impressive how you do so many things on your own. Me: about that would you mind? Them: So amazing Me: ok but could you Them: Incredible

Am I fun at parties?... Only ones I gatecrash

There's no clean way to enjoy a big fat juicy burger. If you think there is you're doing it wrong.

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's ketamine.

I've cut into everything in my office and so far none of it has been cake... Furious

You don't hate me half as much as I just don't fucking care