Ted Kurt here and it's taco bell time. 4 bean burritos, a modest approach tonight. I'm also mixing some Coke and Sprite together after feeling inspired today.

Shaken to my core after watching a man cut the entire line at 2 Bros and give the cashier $20 for two slices of pizza

The man in front of me at Duane Reade is stuffing beef jerky into the front pocket of his backpack. “I’m not trying to steal these, I just want to see how many will fit”. The answer is three. He bought four.

that's my goat

saying “what noise cancelling headphones should i buy” into my phone every fifteen minutes so i can watch the headphone companies wage war in my targeted advertising

imo fucking weird that nobody has wished me a happy half-birthday yet

die die die die

looking for an apartment is like shopping for an engagement ring in the sense that you're very likely to end up with something small that costs two months' salary

embarking on a 'visioning process' is often the most expensive way to decide not to do something after all

why i season my pod, not my bugs

sprinkling garlic and onion powder into a pan of garlic and onions so i can feel like part of the creative process

you literally will not believe who is distributing this

is anywhere on earth as embarrassing as a full-service gas station

the first guy to try fixing something by unplugging it and plugging it back in must have sounded like such a fucking idiot

spending my monday laundry thrifting (picking up other people’s laundry and stealing the contents)

oldest brother DMing multiple hinge girls this easter: he is rizzin’

everyone in bushwick’s always wearing nascar shit and yet not a single bar has the Bank of America Roval 400 on