Me: “Nice helping! You’re going to be a great chef one day.” Q: “I already AM a great chef.” Give me the confidence of a 3-year-old girl. 😂❤️

Me: “So, I was thinking about this whole Blake Lively controversy…” Him: “What?” Me: “Okay, so, you know who Blake Lively is?” Him: “No. Who is he?” Me: …. Him: …. Me: “Nevermind.” Every conversation I have with my husband about pop culture, in a nutshell.

Things I’ve said to my kids this week: -I can’t speak to the mental health of a lizard. -It’s very, very unlikely that you’ll ever be impeached. -Shoes are not a place for snacks.

3 y/o: Mom mom mom mom mom. Me: Hold on a sec - I just need to do one thing. 3 y/o: MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! Me: Babe, I just have to do ONE thing. Is this an emergency? 3 y/o: YES IT IS AN EMERGENCY!! Me: Okay, what’s up? 3 y/o: The sky looks like a bathtub. #thisisthree

Still a professor.

Me: We can’t play the roll over game on this bed. It’s too high up. 3-year-old: Don’t worry, mommy. I’ll just watch YOU roll out of bed and fall to the floor. 🤷‍♀️

Me: We’ll have some time to kill at the mall. What should we do? 10-year-old: I know what we should do! We should go to Williams Sonoma and look around, & then leave & talk about how weirdly fancy and overpriced everything was. Me: … Her: … Me: Honestly, that sounds awesome.

3-year-old, crying: I want to play with sister! Me: I’m sorry, sweetie. She has a friend over. You can play with me though! 3-year-old: I want to play with someone INTERESTING! 🤔 (Of note: we had just played on the swings, baked cookies, and had a dance party.)

Things I’ve said to my kids while driving: “I’m not going to pull over just so that I can Google ‘Minecraft deodorant.’” “I can’t weigh in on whether something is copyright infringement right at this moment!” “I can’t speak to the size of all of our relatives’ bladders.”

I am the opposite of a packrat. Family members have mocked me for being too minimalist. Yet…I have saved every laptop I’ve owned for the past 20+ years. Is there a name for this psychiatric condition??

3-year-old, singing to self: “Did your poop stop working, did your boots find out…”

Things sociologists say to their children: “Yes, a hamper is a social construct, but that doesn’t mean you can say ‘my floor is a hamper.’”