No, I have a system… ~Me when my wife notices I’ve screwed something up

Man-card rule #58: If you splatter food in the microwave, you don’t have to clean it up until your wife notices it.

Wow 😆😆😆

.Nancy Pelosi is running for re election in 2 years. She knows that stock market gonna be dancin under Trump 😆😆😆 Reposting this gem from a few years ago. I donno if you can tell. But I don’t like her either 😇

Why am I like this 😆😆😆

I hope your turkey is as moist as your mom at a Neil Diamond concert! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Nothing says multiple DUI’s like a 35 yr old riding a BMX bike in 23 degree weather.

Only the best girls help Santa unload his sack. 🎅😉

R.I.P. Jimmy Carter

There are now 8 billion people on the planet. I like 6 of them.

I'm so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirts. When people ask what I'm wearing I say "page six fuck you."

I need a wife for love, compassion, filthy sex, and snow removal.

Temperatures about to go down faster than a Kardashian at a P Diddy party.

I just took a picture of a pill bottle so I could zoom in and read it. Getting old is fucking stupid.

I need a wife for love, compassion, filthy sex, and snow removal.

It’s so cold out I just registered my nipples as lethal weapons. 🥶

Thank you groundhog for the weather. Now over to the squirrel for traffic. 🐿️

I told my kids I wanted to be cremated. They made an appointment for Tuesday

If I had a choice between finding a girlfriend and owning a dragon I’d name my dragon Kyle.

I don’t have a girlfriend but Double Stuf Oreos now come in a Party Size so I don’t even give a fuck.