I bet it feels so good as rice to be fluffed with a fork.

Boomers complaining about property tax to their 38yo kid renting a studio for $3500/month

Refreshing the weather app hoping for a different result like it’s Twitter on election night

One time an interviewer asked me what’s a story that needs to be told, and I explained the plot of a short film I made with my nieces called The Gronch about the Grinch’s sister who does all the work behind the scenes but never gets credit. I did not get the job.

This Christmas, give the gift of a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.

A show called Last Employee Standing where each week they announce a new round of layoffs until there's one person left, then America votes on which exec is actually his dad. Hosted by Jimmy Fallon.

Spotify should give you one more week to turn in extra credit and fix your Wrapped scores.

My dad greeted me so impersonally at the airport he got ticketed for not using the Uber pickup lane

If I had a son, I would not circumcise him. But if he started a podcast I would cut him off financially.

One good thing about corporate consolidation is job applications will be much easier when you can select your previous employer from a dropdown with the 4 remaining options.

I spent $36 at Burger King on 2 Spongebob meals for my nieces, and they thought it was so disgusting they announced they’re now vegan.

Everything makes sense once you realize God’s Plan is just planned obsolescence for all creation.

"God works in mysterious ways." You can just say He's unemployed.

Jimmy Eat World performing at Arby's last night in Daytona Beach, FL.

On hold with my 401k provider and they’re blasting an instrumental version of “Tuesday’s Gone”

One of the scariest things you can be is a triplet.

there’s something beautiful about the childhood delusion of going to a baseball game and being absolutely certain you’re going to catch a foul ball

Boomer parents love to call you on speaker while they’re driving and talk over you like you’re a podcast.