What's the worst thing you've ever masturbated to?

Jimmy Savile was never paid for any of his work as a hospital / mortuary porter. He was working pro boner.

As I was sat in the Chinese restaurant last night, my wife said to me, "What made you decide to go with the duck?" "He's better company," I replied, putting the phone down.

Honestly, women are such lightweights when it comes to alcohol. I've gone on three dates with three different women this week, and each time they've passed out after just one sip.

It tells you a lot about the state of politics in this country when you're more likely to be ousted by a Christmas party than the Labour party.

Me and the teenage girl next door are having some problems. It's ok though, we're fingering them out.

The lady who was interviewing me said "I've got three openings" "Obviously," I replied, "you're a woman" I didn't get the job.

It's so hot today that if Michael Barrymore invited me round for a pool party I think I'd go.

The DWP refused my deaf, blind and dumb kids application for disability benefits. They said he was fit for work and could test pinball machines.

I'm not saying it's hot. But, I've just squirted the contents of a McDonald's Apple Pie over my head to cool down...

That Newsnight picture that could rock the Monarchy, is rumoured to show Prince Andrew doing a line. Of 13 year olds.

Every girl should keep one photo of a penis on her phone in case she's sent a dick pic, so she can respond with it captioned "That made me so hard". You're welcome.

"Daddy, there's a monster in the kitchen!" my daughter screamed. I can't believe she's gone this long before seeing her mum without makeup.

I'm seeing more and more cunts walking around with oxygen tanks connected to a mask. In the early 80's my grandad smoked untipped Woodbines through a hole in his neck. The fucking worlds gone soft.

Had my first blowjob off my new girlfriend today and she told me that my dick tasted of Opium. I told her that was poppycock.

On a recent trip, I ordered a hamburger from the new McDonald's in Ethiopia. The girl behind the counter said. "Do you want flies with that?"

As the young barista gave me my change, I said... "Thank you young man." He snapped and said... "Did you just assume my gender? I'll have you know I've just recently transitioned." "I'm sorry." I Said" I had no idea. In that case.. Thank you, you young attention seeking cunt."

Who's still alive around here?

Last night I was in a bar when a woman sat next to me. "Have you ever done drugs?" I asked her. She frowned at me. "No" she replied, taking a sip of her drink. "You have now" I replied with a smirk. "See you in the morning"

Simply put a % sign after your age to see how dead you are... If you're a fat cunt under 40, remember to double it.