The facts are there # knewit

The sun has got it's hat on,hip,hip,hip hooray...need to get outside before it buggers off

I've just repaired a dress for Hollie-Rae Merrick & I want to say I've made a bloody good job of it #ihatesewing

How long before I stop looking at the blank space where the kitchen clock was?

Happy birthday to beautiful Hollie-Rae Merrick. Have a lovely day & know that today,as always,I'm right there with you #mummalovesya

I'll tell you who's fucking awful at handjobs. Bill Oddie.

Sat in tunnel with a prostitute. She's platting my beard. I'm licking blood off her wig.

Aaarghhh just stood on a big dead spider....oh, it's an old dried up tomato stalk#mustsweepthefloor

I am on my summer holiday from work....I am cleaning my oven

Looking forward to my dinner with Hollie-Rae Merrick #risottowednesday

The scores are in Hollie-Rae Merrick 9 for me but you rule at 9.5. I bow to yr superior talent!! #tith

Ah Wednesday, jobcentre day. Of course I'm filled with humble gratitude

Tonight I met Jessie_Ware a singer who loves Barbra Streisand as much as me. I couldn't be happier! Amazing talent!

Oh hello cranberry sauce...where were you hiding when we had Christmas dinner?

Finally got a little blue tick. Doesn't verify my twitter account though. This one's just under my bollocks, sucking blood out of my nuts.

Remember: Dogs die in hot cars. Stabbing and poisoning are other good ways to kill the fuckers as well.

My beautiful daughter Hollie enjoying a gluwein in Rudesheim Uniworld Cruises

Just left the fabulous Antoinette. Many thanks for a wonderful stay Uniworld Cruises

After the Liverpool game certain Señors Martinez and Oviedo should no longer have been associated with our great club. #Gettheshystersout

⚠SCAM ALERT⚠ British Airways '£500 voucher' doing the rounds on Facebook is a fake. DON'T sign up! moneysavingexpert.com/deals/british-…