was on a first date recently and the girl asks me “how many 8 year olds could u realistically take in a fight” i said “realistically 9, i could knock the 1st one out cold 4 sure, and then try to manage 2 at a time for the remaining 8” apparently this was an ego test i passed

the presence of wisdom teeth implies the existence of data, information, and knowledge teeth

my best friend at work is a 70 year old woman who is absolutely hysterical. She was on the phone w a client being all nice and sweet and then as soon as she hangs up the phone screams “goddamn he just can’t shut his mouth!” had to be there.

my older sister recently announced her pregnancy & my younger sister asks: “when do we find out if i’m gonna be an aunt or an uncle” ...

Not all the wander who are lost 💫 O||||||||O

just realized the average person has fewer than two arms. so i have more than the average number of arms. nice.

today at work i had to put some docs in the shredder. my buddy, our accountant, was doing the same. i don’t know what came over me but as i started dropping files in it i was possessed to go “ommm nom nom” and he looked at me in complete shock. priceless.

jesus walked on water, i run-on sentences

my coworker got the new iphone and keeps coming into my office to ask me to turn her flashlight off. poor thing.

my girlfriend asked me if i have listened to macs new album.... yes dear for the past 7 years...

RnB fell off because everybody drinking lean instead of doing coke! Silk Sonic getting back to the roots

Put you in a mansion Somewhere in Wiscansin

my girl just said “i’m never hangry, but if i’m having a bad day you can give me nutrients, like a baja blast”

instead of salting the roads we could just salt our tires. how has nobody thought of this???

Very amusing to watch a corvette try to drive on morgantown roads without getting ground into dust.

if my right hand is dominant does that mean my left is… submissive???

it’s way more interesting to say “behold” than “look at this” “behold this tik tok” etc. it’s much better

these bitches love salsa

2nd hand denim bar called “Eugene and Jean’s New and Used Jeans dba Jeans for You”