Wanna see my fingering chart? - saxt

me: wtf did I come in this room for? also me: safelite repair, safelite replace

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT The cat has already been fed.

Really embracing my Cajun roots by pronouncing bidet as “bee day”.

How LSU beat Miss State 31-16 a few weeks ago is becoming one of the inexplicable results of the season.

Wife’s Log: It’s been 3 days since my husband started flipping through Netflix previews. I fear how long he will be able to continue before deciding.

Telling my kids this was Jeffery Dahmer

it’s all fun & games until your kid turns out just as sarcastic as you

“I’m so high!” 𝐻𝑜𝑤 ℎ𝑖𝑔ℎ 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢? “I’m good. And how are you?

I was almost in an accident today because my tire slid on a raccoon carcass so no, Debbie, I’m not interested in learning more about your essential oil business.

It puts the dishes in the dishwasher properly or else it gets the hose again.

Them: it's 6:30am Me: bitch, it's coffee time

what is says: MKUltra my brain: Michelob Ultra

3yo: *amazed* Mommy! Penis and Pee start with P too! Me: Yes, but I think P should be for Pear and Potatoe. 3yo: No I like penis and pee better, I can't wait to tell my teacher.

*Monk starts levitating Nice air friar.

Can I respectfully decline?

my favorite coworker left 1 second on the microwave and now we duel after work.