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List of people that will have their citizenship stripped: 1. Amy Schumer 2. Carnival Cruise rule disrespectors 3. Live audience enjoyers of Jon Leibowitz 4. That one guy who watched Captain Marvel 116 times 5. Anyone who takes more than one respectful sample from a Costco food

GM. I got a full 8 hours of sleep, which means if you’re an illegal, I mercifully gave you a head start.

Did my blood pressure test. Passed with honors. It’s the highest score she’s ever seen.

The most expensive daycare is Women’s NBA. They lost $40 million last year. That’s $277,778 for each player.

My daughter asked me if we could make a 2001 Ozzy website. I told her it only works on a Windows 95 Gateway PC.

Old man of the woods.

I’ve always denied DMV permission to list me as an organ donor, but only because I’m selfish.

The lion doesn’t open Jira tickets.

Classic Hulk Hogan faking his death so that he can rise up like the Undertaker at his funeral wake and leg drop Bernie Sanders.

GM, kings. Dedicate your next workout to Hulk Hogan.

The Virginia Museum of Fine Arts pilfers millions in tax money so that they can pin up refuse waste as art.

My thoughts on the Tim Pool without a beanie reveal: Get married young while you still have a full head of hair.

My top 10 games: 1. Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri 2. Age of Empires II 3. Civilization II 4. Fallout 3 5. Star Wars Battlefront 6. Rogue Squadron 7. The Legend of Zelda - NES 8. Rome Total War II - Total Realism Mod 9. Starbound 10. Final Fantasy VII

Converting plastic into gasoline is not a new technology. Pyrolysis has been around for a long time. If Julian Brown could figure out how to make an engine run on hotdog water, that would be impressive.

GM.

The founder of the failed Tea app that revealed a hilarious data breach had only 6 months of coding under his belt. He will get sued into oblivion from many of its verified ugly users.

There are two kinds of people: Hulk Hogan Hulkamaniacs, and people who hate America.

Lore update: I am now the owner of the most expensive hobby in the solar system. Death to all xenos.

Everytime I open my shirt drawer, my Grimace shirt – that I bribed a McDonald worker for – stares at me like the Green Goblin mask.

The co-pilot sits on the right side of the cockpit. Please pray for me.