Don’t go telling me it’s too hot for gardening. I’ve just spent over an hour hoovering the lawn. Looks a treat. Lovely rich green.

When out on my cycle rides I note odd areas of rough land, woods or abandoned buildings. I like to think they would be great to dispose of victims when I am a master assassin. I'm not that big so probably unable to carry a body anywhere let alone into a wood.

State of my T-shirt after I’ve had my tea. The debris would have fed three or four starving souls in the third world. Flanjo can you get nurse to get me cleaned up properly please?

Doctors say the man admitted to hospital with two tons of asphalt and a Road Closed sign up his bottom may need a bypass.

Before we went to the shops I told MrsTFT that I needed to change my jeans because the ones I had on were full of tea. She neither questioned this nor looked surprised.

Things I was not allowed to buy at the market on Monday: a blowtorch, a mallard, crayfish tails, a chainsaw (there were no chainsaws but this is an enduring ban). Honestly, I don’t know why I bother going.

Okay my lovelies, #WatchingYou is out on August 28, and I wouldn't lie to you, it's actually a pretty darned good book. But because I don't have Richard Osman's marketing budget, Louise Minchin's TV platform, Richard Coles' publicist or any other celebrity writer's stranglehold

Does anyone have any experience of tracking down wartime service records please? My late Father’s flying log has no service number on it anywhere. It gives the list of his locations and I always knew he did his flight training in Canada with the RCAF. Where do I start?

Yesterday, I went out into Sherwood Forest to play on bikes. Here we are in front of the tree Robin of Hood used when he wanted to bonk Maud Marian out of sight of his merry men. I’m not saying how far we rode, or how fast because Ian Slater Photography will pour his scorn on me.

Smokey Robinson sneaks into a quiet corner and opens his Panini perforated circus character stickers… …tears off a clown when there's no one around.

I’ve been out cycling with some gentlemen of mature years. I’m not posting any details of how far or how fast because you will mock me mockfully. Suffice it to say we were on the Five Pits Trail where no pits exist any more, thank you so very much Thatcher.

You wanted proof that I cycled I suppose.

Somebody took a picture of us but they used a weird filter that turned me into an old person.

After three years of inactivity I have messily completed a 30 minute spin class on my exercise bike. Does anyone know where the ‘on’ switch is for the pedal assistance is please?

I'm laughing at the surprise of Royal fans reading about Philip cheating on the Queen. Hello???? He was living with his mistress Penny for the last 20 years of his life at Wood farm. I mean seriously. My god.

If Sainsbury’s reduce the length of their baguettes any more I shall be very cross indeed. That’s them warned.

I’m still here.

I’ve been in a nice hotel for the last three days. Naturally, every morning, I had a Full English Breakfast because that’s the law. I have a question. It’s very important. Has fried bread been surreptitiously replaced by the much inferior hash brown? We should be told.

PLEASE RETWEET!

Spare a thought for Prince Andrew as he faces his first day without his titles Knight Grand Cross of the Royal Victorian Order (GCVO) and Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter. I mean, has anybody’s checked how he’s coping?