Percentage of shoes you own you consider comfortable: Men: 98% Women: 5%

*files a restraining order against reality*

I’m very likable in real life. I swear.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

All systems no

me: I’d like the goth water please barista:

Décor is French for useless shit the dog knocks off the coffee table.

None of us have our shit together, don’t worry about it.

Going to the Bermuda Triangle and disappearing seems like a good idea these days

laughter is the way into her meat butterfly

My thumb hovers over the "enter" button on the remote, waiting to skip an ad like I'm on a game show or something.

*stands up too fast *has to sit back down for 5 minutes to recover

I love fall when the weather cools off and everything dies.

You’re so soft and cuddly! ~ me, getting attacked by a bear

This is the worst place in the world to be an honest person

tom selleck is wearing a vest and trying to steal my house again.

honestly, i don’t know what would fix me

HR: Did you call him stupid Me: No! I said, "You should use your brain for more than a hat rack!" HR: ... *facepalm

I'm not what you would call a "winner"

My favorite part of the football season is listening to dillusional fanatics talk about their favorite team like they're actually part of it.