The most important thing in relationships is conversation.

A bird shit on my head yesterday and I still haven't washed my hair

Once slept over at a mates house in my teens, had a wet dream in the night, found a clean pair of boxers in his drawer and replaced them with my sticky ones. He put them on in the morning. #cardboardunderpants

Not wanting to miss a minute of the latest Star Wars film to urinate, I drank all of my fizzy pop from my cup, placed the cup on the floor and knelt down close to the seat in front, as if wanting to get a better view, and pissed into the empty cup. Twice! It was full to the brim.

I work for a large company and I like searching their customer service Twitter feed for complaints, then antagonising the complainants using a second anonymous Twitter account.

UK ARTISTS: I need some art for my walls - I have frames that are 50cm x 70cm and I'm looking to buy some prints! I'd like a couple of vegan/animal/feminism/fun/sarcastic esque prints, so if you make prints in this size (or know anyone who does) then PLEASE drop a link below!

When I was younger, I wound the window down in my car and put a cigarette between my butt cheeks.

My company successfully repeat-invoiced the Government's Audit Commission for the same 5-figure sum, 4 times. We only stopped because we were embarrassed for them.

If you're not pissing people off... what the fuck are you doing with your life?

Oasis - Fuckin' In The Bushes youtu.be/BEPlB0RbtH4 via YouTube

Any idea why #GretaThunberg doesn’t protest in China, the US or Russia which have v high levels of emissions? UK’s are vanishingly small in global terms. Feels like we’re the safe target.

Smelling green apples and bananas can help you lose weight.

이거모야?????미쳤어??????

When I saw you, I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew. - William Shakespeare ~ #Love

As hoards of brain surgeons, doctors & nurses prepare to swarm into Greece & enjoy the EU’s wonderful free movement policy, it’s worth remembering this is what Priti Patel & the UK government are trying to protect us all from. #DrainTheSwamp x.com/BeachMilk/stat…

❓ WERE THESE ACTIVISTS JUSTIFIED IN TAKING THIS HOMELESS MAN’S DOG ? #dogs #dogsoftwitter #vegan #GoVegan #StaySafeStayHome #StayAtHomeChallenge #FridayFeeling #FridayMotivation #FridayVibes #weekend #weekendvibes #StayAtHome #animals #AdoptDontShop x.com/livpulsford/st…

6 foot away or 6 foot under.

Great speech by her majesty.

To the NHS, AND EVERYONE IN THE FRONT LINE. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!.

Jaguar Land Rover is reportedly seeking more than £1bn of support telegraph.co.uk/business/2020/…