It's about to be July and we only got $1200 once, no police reform, and no additional plan for aid but they did get rid of Aunt Jemima and say that we're all in this together

Unless you do the laundry naked, you haven't done all the laundry.

I avoid clichés with more urgency than that which I give to hornets.

A cooking show where they have to prepare a meal in a vacation rental using the pots, pans, and knives from Walgreens.

Here are your Altoids, which were supposed to be Rolos. There was a big line behind me and you know how I get.

"Okay, who has the rings?" [tap tap tap] "Anyone? The rings?" [TAP TAP TAP]

My husband just walked into our kitchen, paused, then looked at me and said “Do you have any idea what Gordon Ramsay would say to you if he saw how you did things here?!”

I pray for the energy and surety of my six pound dog screaming that every knock on the door is an axe murderer.

idk who needs to hear this but you’re not going blind you just need to clean your glasses

The prose and cons of being an imprisoned poet...

The Batman trailer is great, but he’s not gonna be allowed anywhere in Gotham with his mouth and nose exposed in that mask.

The North by Northwest scene where Cary Grant is chased by a crop-duster, but me in a poorly-lit Chipotle parking lot and an aggressive moth.

I just give my son what he wants because it's partly my fault he's on this fucked up planet

Bought a budget book to figure out where all our money was going and long story short, discovered my husband has a coke addiction lol isn't adulting fun.

My son, my person, my hope for all of us, is dead. He loved his life and is gone forever. Sage, marigold, hawthorn, rose, chrysanthemum, and rosemary What comes from the spirit returns to where it came What comes from the body returns to the earth

I just feel like I should be able to sue the men who wasted my prettiest years.

Twitter to Trump-

If someone can get me my Liam Gallagher moment and hit me in the head with a hammer real quick so I can figure out what to do with my life.

I have a box of green tomatoes on my kitchen table slowly revealing if they are red tomatoes or yellow tomatoes and this is the biggest joy in my life right now.