Ya know, nobody gets chloroformed like they used to.

I’d go anywhere with you. And leave you there.

I don't trust people that don't have tolerance for animals.

A good morning text from the right person can change your entire day loljk your day is still going to be awful

Sometimes giving up is an act of courage.

It is my birthday. Adulation is mandatory.

Leave a hug, get a hug

I have the flu and haven’t complained to my wife or kids once. hold your applause.

Getting drafted for the trade war

no matter what you do, someone will always have something to say

If you’re annoying me I’ll annoy you right back. It’s kinda like an eye for an eye but it’s actually annoy for annoy.

Here’s an idea…..mind your business

I really don’t want to know this much about global trade. I want to watch my stories and go to bar trivia once in a while

Send me a voice note about it baby.. I love hearing your voice

Yes, I AM getting worse. Thank you for noticing.

I’ll never tell anyone your secret because that would mean talking to people

I’m masking today so y’all enjoy it.

My hair is so silky and smooth since my wife decided she didn't like the shampoo she bought.

What woman doesn’t love compliments? Especially when you tell them your daughter is having her 40th birthday on Saturday and they don’t think you look 57.

The lost art of being a kind, respectful, decent human being.