“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs. But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting. “Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.” But on he worked.

Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy! Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha God *creates birds*

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I'm just playing Chumbawamba's 1997 hit "Tubthumping" over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

be careful sharing the Zoom invite

"I'll take 'song lyrics' for $200, Alex." Alex Trebek: The Beatles famously sang that this is "all you need." Haddaway: [just fucking smashing the buzzer so hard]

[cloudy weather] simba: lot of dead dads out today

me: this is my horse mayo friend: he’s not even a white horse me: yah but watch this mayo: [neighs]

My cartoon in the latest ⁦Private Eye Magazine⁩

Today is Ryan Gosling's birthday, which means it's time to rewatch one of the best #SNL skits of all time. #Papyrus

Zoom have started pop-up ads

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

[prison riot] *standing over my origami ducks* "GO AROUND! GO AROUND!"

HER: Im breaking up with u ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong? HER: Ya ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos? Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water