I eat my soggy sludgy mass of daily starch foods. 11/14/55

we need a celebrity chef who isn’t a badass. no tattoos. no swear words. i want to watch a little fucking wimp make eggs

i think i get where the 'writers don't HAVE to read books' defensiveness comes from, but it still makes me sad, because every time i read a book for even a half hour it replenishes my writerly electrolytes more than anything else in the world

when the moon hits your knees and you mispronounce trees sycamore

When I invite friends over to chill:

Lmfao

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

I got overcharged for a turnip yesterday because the lad at the till rang it up as a butternut squash. I watched it all go down in real time and did nothing about it. I need a bossy wife to advocate for me.

A few months ago, in that blurry haze of new motherhood, I left my infant daughter Eureka on the couch for just a few seconds. She rolled and slipped and tumbled to the floor, hitting her head, then burst out crying. /a thread to #SaveMelissaLucio

Lying on my kitchen floor eating peanuts after being sent home from work for fainting. I did not know UTIs could go this hard, pop off queen.

The memory of that corn-on-the-cob floats in my head like a celestial relic. 5/3/61

✨⚔️Protect our boglands⚔️✨

having a crush has cured my depression! now it’s anxiety’s time to shine

clintoris

rhinoplasty, lip filler, cheek implants, chin implant, jaw shave, brow bone reduction, buccal fat removal, botox and eye lift, skin bleaching

they really be like "fuck russia, stay strong ukraine, anyways here's isreal in top 3" #Eurovision2023