I never feel like more of an adult than when I'm refilling my purse advil with my bathroom advil because I used it up refilling my car advil.

I know it came first, but The Brave Little Toaster is just Toy Story with household appliances and significantly more suicide.

I need one of those little laptop fans that keeps your computer from overheating when it gets too overwhelmed, but for my brain.

Probably the craziest thing about being an adult is that you have to answer the door by yourself. Big dude knocks & says he's there to fix your internet? You can't get your mom. you just let him into your apartment alone and close the door behind you and hope he doesn't kill you

Here are the top 5 times:

1. 7:32pm (indisputably the best time)
2. 2:44pm (has its critics but an all-round excellent time)
3. 9:51pm (not too early, not too late)
4. 3:07am (chances of being required to attend a meeting at 3:07am? Low)
5. 11:38am (the connoisseur's lunch time)

Becoming a cult leader until I have just enough followers to start a ska band.

When I wished for a stable relationship this is not what I meant

Learning a lot while petsitting today

'In a civil society, you should get to murder people who inconvenience you'

'Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.' OK well I love adding the Brazzers logo to dude's dating profile pictures. Do I still have to go to work, or

Inside you there are two wolves. So yeah, it's not appendicitis. Just the two wolves thing

I wrote a haiku for Trump, to help him through this difficult time:

HA HA HA HA HA

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

HA HA HA fucker

They should do this at every job. If I knew any mistake I made was gonna be torn apart by a group of teenage girls I’d never fuck up again.

The idea that people in other countries choose to study abroad in the US is hilarious. Like, imagine reminiscing about your semester in Idaho

the cashier at TJ Maxx just asked me if i needed to pick up any gifts for mother’s day bc they just got a bunch in so i said “no thanks, she’s dead” and she just stared at me for 30 seconds then asked if i wanted to save 20% by opening up a TJ Maxx rewards card.

I have a 0% success rate of visiting the One Tail at a Time (OTAT) iso house and leaving without a dog. Got to have a sleepover with adorable land seal, Lil Mama who was so smart & gentle, and knew what was a toy and what wasn't. Did she destroy them? Maybe. Did we spoon all night? Yes.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It's all about creating habits.

Taking the high road is over. This year we're starting fights in Arby's parking lots.