I dated a guy whose favorite band was Tears For Fears and all he did was shout.

Anything more than 10 zippers on your pants is excessive

It's amazing what you can find when you lose your way.

The fact no one played the "i've got your nose" game with Voldermort in any of those wizard movies was a missed opportunity

Candy corn is the 3rd best tasting Crayon.

Glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world...that shit is impossible to get rid of.

Unfortunately it wasn't the first time I almost drowned in a kiddie pool.

Bit weird that something called "common" sense is about as rare as rocking horse shit

Always check on your friends. They might be drinking without you.

Everything will kill you so pick something fun.

Oh wow, I woke up not caring what anyone thinks again.

I hate to brag but I was tweeting about zombies before it was cool.

having no gag reflex is wasted on me as a straight guy.

Why is it a blow job and not a gag gift?!

Don't hate them back let them carry the burden alone.

I didn’t say anything, but I noticed.

Don't talk to strangers just fall in love with them on the internet.

Pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and I'll have the whole set.

Whenever I see a girl in her 20s giving life advice I’m thinking maybe her cat logged in and started tweeting.

Sometimes I like a tweet just cause it's the 69th like...