Can't wait to find out what kind of fancy moons 2022 has in store for us.

The woman in front of me is purchasing tampons, chocolate bars, pickles & a pregnancy test and I want to follow her home to see how it ends.

My VP texted me during his Mexico vacation. He couldn’t wait to share his newest find. Something that would revolutionize the way we do marketing. A QR code. That was his big discovery.

Happy Birthday to 1/365th of my followers!

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Also, he owes you $15,99. Bitch, do I look like a charity? That fish ain't free.

if i say to you “i’ll let you know” just go enjoy your day bro

It’s 2:22, 2/2/22. You’re welcome.

My Sioux name would be "she who resets passwords every time she tries to log in".

Renovating the basement and discovering where all the cat’s toys are at.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you like to drive at the speed limit, the left lane isn’t for you. This lane is reserved for badass motherfuckers willing to die going to Walmart.

I’m the trophy wife you get for participating.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century's history textbooks

I wonder whatever happened to the people that asked me for directions

If now is not a good time to eat shitloads of gluten I don’t know what is.

Anyone speaks binary code? My car is trying to communicate.

This morning, someone sent me a fax. Someone at my head office received the fax, scanned it, saved it as a PDF, wrote me an email introducing said fax and added it as an attachment. Hooray for progress!!!

Thanks for making my son’s night Ryan Reynolds #GoSensGo

Today I had a work altercation with a millennial. So now I have to buy her a Hallmark card that says "Sorry I asked you to do a job we hired you to do. Sending you positive vibes during this difficult time 🫶🏻"

Life is basically just stepping over puddles into bigger ones.

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to take photos of my teenagers. Here’s my son having a wonderful time on a canoe-camping trip.