just killed my wife. ARE YOU HAPPY CRACKER BARREL??

i think Taco Bell should change it's logo from a bell to a trans teen riding a polo pony.

when A.A. Milne found out they had actually accepted his “Winnie the Pooh” for publication he couldn’t stop laughing for 8 straight days.

I... I guess there's a lot of ways this might happen.

Baby sitting is a tough job 🐶🐥😅

September so I have fucking apples. Peanut butter apple crumble forthcoming. But these are the apples I didn't use. Cut up I think it's called a shit load.

Transgender for everyone!

i'm down by the schoolyard. they deported Julio. it's just me now.

cashier rang me up for my compression socks and Coors. “that’ll be $19.88” she said smugly, because she is a liberal. “no” i said, looking her dead in the eye. “Merry Christmas. And also Jesus and God. Checkmate.” i walked out to the parking lot and kicked a Mexican probably.

When a Trumper addresses you by your name, you know they're gonna hit you hard with some big truths about how great he is and you're gonna be so sorry being called out by name. And after that, they'll hit you with the clown emoji, a sure sign of their alpha status.

We aren’t angry enough

Everybody is Insane what a fucking piece of inhuman garbage you must be. totally psychotic. fuck you. this woman was murdered at point blank range and you make her the aggressor. you are fucking beyond hope of redemption.

I'm taking a shit, Amara! Assume you have learned enough about me now.

Sad that Tylenol has to block replies lest they get bombarded by the brainwashed masses.

Be honest, how many of you breathe air? Trying to prove a point.

Try sane washing this. Even your anti-anti Trump drivel can’t compete with this threat level.

sometimes i feel like i’ve lived this moment before. same grass patch. same wind. same stillness.

Interesting. Must check it out soon.

Taking my partner for cancer surgery: helping into her gown. She said oh I'm flashing you my bum. I said that it was magical as the first time ever. I watched the very fiercely protective nurse go from reflectively "Not Okay" to "Actually Really Sweet" in about three seconds.