Forget parallel parking, maybe we should be teaching people to drive in adverse weather conditions

'do you have anything for allergies?' ~me, to a drug dealer

It’s ok. I speak typo.

I swear Americans like cheese more than they like each other.

What's up fools

I’m not dating again until my sleep demon approves

an intermingling of hearts and robbers.

If you find me mildly fucking annoying take my hand baby cuz you've unlocked the fucking best version of me

Baby hippos look like wet turds with personality. Change my mind

I don't hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

I love when people think you're joking when you explain the shit that's going through your mind.

They should invent a "bane" that isn't of my existence.

losing your attachment to someone who wasn't good for you, is top tier

High ponies solve problems

There’s nothing for you over here.

Wish I had a Popeyes biscuit choking me like a good third date right now

Raisins are satans goat turds