Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles

I see World War 3 is trending again, should we stock up on toilet paper?

Why’d we stop at ice cream trucks? Why isn’t anyone driving around the neighbourhood offering up fries with gravy? Must I think of everything??

And by the way, I’m going out tonight

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Me and who?

Every airport should offer a daily one way ‘mystery flight’ that just goes somewhere.

I’m carb loading so I have the energy to stay out past 10pm tomorrow night

Shut up I don’t care if thats not how it works

Sad to report that if you just get up and start doing things, they get done.

There should be a better way though.

They should bury him in a coffin that’s a little too small.

Apparently, friends with benefits doesn't mean a quiet friend who helps you clean your house.

I need to be as delusional as 50 year old men on dating sites saying they're not sure yet if they want to have children. Sir, you're only 12 years away from getting the senior discount.

Being upset that women have dating standards is the same as being upset that a college has pre-requisites. In both cases it’s because you know you’re under qualified and won’t pass the entrance exam

Now this is how you ask a woman on a proper date