Forget all this adulting stuff, let’s bring back Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Oh dear! I missed my Twitterversary by three days and didn't send a card!

Cheaters haven’t been this scared since Glenn Close boiled a rabbit.

The Facts Dude 🤙🏽 Being a CEO is hard

I'm bored so somebody needs to get caught having an affair at a Creed concert or something

If aliens built the pyramids why haven't ever come back to check on them

It may look like I have a lot of followers, but there are only eight people who reliably retweet me, and they're locked in my basement.

I don’t want delivery, I want three day old DiGiorno consumed standing in front of my refrigerator at 3am in stained cat pajamas. I want trauma pizza, baby.

Will a brass band ever greet me at the train station? I have a playlist.

It took 70 years but it finally happened

Keep at least 25 yards from bison at all times and never approach a bison to take a photo. If they want a photo with you, they will let you know. Boundaries. Not just lines on a map.

People, it brings me no joy to tell you this (That is a lie. I have so much absolute joy in the news I am about to tell you.) My HOA Board has violated state law

[at the farmer's market] "Here I am, an important fruit buyer, buying four important nectarines.”

That bread better be artisanal or the shit is really going to hit the fan with me

Throw away a good cardboard box? Are you insane.

They didn't have the cheese I like, so I asked for a recommendation, which is a brave thing to do among cheese people.

18- What do you old people get excited about? Me- I have some leftover chicken salad for dinner so luckily I have that to cling to

I’m always afraid people are going to swipe when I show them a picture on my phone because they’re gonna see how many sexy pictures I have of charcuterie boards.

Fuck with me and I’ll give your email address to Spirit Halloween.