I think it's time to take our relationship to the next level. I'd like you to meet my therapist

Noodles do it & dm me tomorrow

no one tells you the older you get the more often you check your weather app

ROLO!

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Baby boomers: I would die for my country. Millennials: I would die for my cat. Gen Z: I would die.

I don't talk about this much but I'm a Livin La Vida Loca survivor

Libra: A little self-improvement could turn your life around, but we all know that’s not going to happen.

Anxiety is so embarrassing. Oh no, I’m terrified at the farmers’ market.

If i was an elephant I'd trample all your crops into dust

i’m on here risking future employment for 6 likes

All of the problems started when we stopped roller skating.

I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.

911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.

Oh great, here I go again with Whitesnake references.

I can't grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

dance like nobody's horrified

found out my cat has outstanding warrants