I'm the only one staying as thin and beautiful as I age

People walking around outside early-spring ought to be better looking than this

What kind of sadist invented this day? Every year makes me wish my mother had never been born

This series has really given me a lot of hope for the second half of my life

Instead of summiting Everest I’d like to see more of those tiresome adventure types make goes at the Darién Gap

Montreal show tomorrow. 7pm. BENELUX. Comedy On The Well Fest thepointofsale.com/tickets/jvk240…

Biden for VP

Djokovic continuing to make me look bad

Can't believe my girlfriend would rather go to her sister's destination wedding than purchase a $4000 subwoofer

When a couples therapy on Valentine's, do you offer the flowers before or after the session?

Passed over for Pope yet again

Why should I pay more for the ticket to see a show of someone my own age than they would pay to see my show??

I hope that thing I ordered wasn’t supposed to be coming through the Strait of Hormuz

So disgusted this morning having to see everyone who didn't win an Oscar

Gotta better pretend to be charmed by the dog in the elevator

Baseball game’s a good place to think about your father who’s passed

Three more Monk albums for the kids. *Then* I can kill myself