i re-labled all the jars in my neighbors spice rack. im not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I'm having the opposite of sex with the opposite sex.

Random Act of Kindness Giveaway 🎉 Open to Canadians only that are of legal age in their province 🇨🇦 To Enter: 1) be following me 2) type “stoked” in the comments of this giveaway tweet 3) Retweet And that’s it!👍👍 Thank you to @herb_bc and TNB Naturals for the freebies to

Happy 3rd "birthday " to me. 😁

Cbc lists at the top of their screen. The names of the referees and "linespeople". More useless wokeness CBC. hnic

My friend used to say “when one door closes, another one opens". Wise man. Terrible carpenter

I remember this one time I happened to be watching a gay pride parade and I saw this stunning young beautiful woman in a short tight dress. I kept saying to myself "don't get a hard-on don't get a hard-on", and wouldn't you know it, she did #LGTBQ #PRIDE

Happy 4th birthday to me! Sober and loving every minute of it #soberlife #sober

A point to ponder today !

A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I'm wrong.

I remember 9 months before I was born...I went to a party with dad and I left with mom.

I just finished reading the fifth book in the "Learning to Count" trilogy

I went into a bookstore and asked the clerk, "Do you have the new book out talking about my sex life?" She said, "I'm not sure it's in yet." I said, "That's the one! I'll take a copy."

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat at the bar last night............"You can hide, but you can't run!"

it all makes sense now...gay marriage and marijuana legalized on the same day in the US .Leviticus 20:13-"If a man lays with another man,he should be stoned"...We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

There's free body piercing at my local bar tonight, or 'Ladies darts tournament' as the bar owner puts it

There are two types of people I hate in this world; 1) People who find a way of putting animal names into words that have noting to do with animals. 2) Hippocrates.

my spirit animal is , the fitted sheet: -awkward -no idea what direction im going -i'll never fold -im tough to pin down -im difficult to deal with -after three minutes, youll regret bringing me into your bedroom

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

So I'm listening to "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins, and I'm just getting ready to perform the greatest air drum performance in the history of invisible percussion instruments when the radio blanks out for like 5 seconds. Why do bad things happen to good people?