My wife ordered the guacamole, I ordered the nachos. Now we are inseparable, joined at the dip. #lunchpun

What an unbelievable achievement. Especially considering our start to the season. 21 means the most to me personally. I hope you got watch it wherever you are Dad. You knew they’d do it. This one’s 4 you. ☘️💚 #4IAR

*PLEASE HELP* Neil Murray was last seen yesterday in the Kilnamanagh area at approx 6pm in a distressed state. We are urgently looking to find him if anyone has seen him please please contact Sylvia 0860491676 or Ed 0867700369.

Do you ever multiply or divide the digits on your clock like I do. Sum times. #lunchpun

Target identified, the sharpest pistol firing stallion in America acquired. So off I went through the desert on a horse with known aim. #lunchpun

Deacon Blue were originally called Deacongestant - but then they thought, 'No stuff that!' #LunchPun

God sent 4 men initially to give Jesus gold, frankincense, myrrh and nickel but, Jesus sent the nickelback and that guy never made it as a wiseman. #lunchpun

Don’t try buy a drill while listening to Pink Floyd. Some chap refused to serve me. All in all he’s just another prick in Dewalt. #lunchpun

To find out if Noah allowed bees onboard, you would need to check the ark hives.

I received a lot of nasty comments after I pretended to be a double decker bus. Some people really went to town on me.

I accidentally swallowed some glitter and now I’ve been on the toilet for hours. It’s pretty shit.

Bringing a universal remote control to the pub while the football was on today was a real game changer.

My wife went mad when I belatedly asked her to only cook my burgers on one side. She flipped. #lunchpun

Plugged in the bunker. Buried in the rough. Perfect on the fairway. These are all lies. #lunchpun

I asked my wife what her favourite Transvision Vamp song was, she just said Baby I don’t care. #lunchpun

I may be very selective who I allow onboard my bus, But I do enjoy meeting people, more than I let on. #lunchpun

I’m in real trouble. There’s pasta everywhere. My lasagne exploded and was stuck to the ceiling. Then the sheet hit the fan. #lunchpun

🏆⛳️ Massive congratulations to Rory McIlroy on his incredible victory at The Masters—making history as the first ever from our island to win the prestigious Green Jacket! A phenomenal achievement that completes a career Grand Slam, placing him amongst the greatest ever golf

On the first day of Easter, Jesus ate Cadbury Heroes. On the 2nd day he ate Quality Street. On the 3rd day, Heroes again.

I’m struggling to think of a birthday present for my hypochondriac girlfriend. What do you buy the girl who’s got everything?