My new motivation to avoid slipping into any comas is "I must maintain my Duolingo streak."

See also: Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing

BUY! BUY, YOU FOOLS!

Every day, in every way, I'm getting closer to deciphering that one gibberish line after the first verse in "Solsbury Hill."

"Man, why does is smell like Dunkin Donuts and sadness in here?" (Passes garbage can and sees Dunkin coffee cup) When I'm right, I'm right.

Having a 15% off sale over the next week in honor of my son's birthday, today thru the 15th of July. etsy.me/3wF80Mo

Popular Ppl who go 10 Twitter under the speed accounts limit 🤝 Lots of followers

Happy Prime Day to everyone but the supreme court 💅

Due to recent news, if anyone asks who my celebrity crush was in middle school, please note I've officially edited it to Enrique Iglesias.

Next season's The Masked Singer gimmick should be throwing one regular Joe off the street into the competition, so they get unmasked and everyone goes "wait...who's that?"

"Mr. Brightside" is like the "Groundhog Day" of the music world.

"WAIT WHY ARE THERE BULLETPOINTS NOW"

I like when something notable happens while I'm running, because then I can milk the story as "that thing that happened *while I was on a run*" and make myself sound a lot more in shape than I might actually be.

You can have your Negroni Sbagliato with little a Prosecco, as a treat

"MLM" is the politically correct term for pyramid scheme.

Vet gave my old-lady cat a clean bill of health, even remarked that she was still maintaining extra strong leg muscles. Pretty sure he just called her thicc but ok

Does anyone else forget how old they are, and have to do math to remember?