I had my GPS set to "bus only." LGA to my AirBnB in Brooklyn took me four and a half hours. Got myself a 40. Tonight: Joe Kilgallon records his 69th album at @cyskNYC. eventbrite.com/e/cysk-present… Tomorrow: Hanging at Canal Bar. Bears.

Follow me on IG, you piles of shit... instagram.com/giganticpileof…

Hillary rooted on her hometown team against a swing state team in WS! 8 yrs ago, she would've said she was Tribe fan since birth. #progress

Democrat or Republican, no one would've predicted a year ago what happened today! A football game being played at Guaranteed Rate Field.

Still waiting on that hoverboard, Back to the Future!

Guy in bar "How much for that Hamburger beer?" I was confused, but the barkeep reached for a Hamm's with zero hesitation. I love Cleveland!

I mean, like, in 2016, there should definitely be a wrestler named Social Justice Warrior, right? RIGHT?!

Hamilton is so good, Mike Pence went despite his severe hatred of gay people. That would be like Adolf Hitler going to a comedy club.

You haven't seen pure sadness in someone's eyes until you've seen a comedian break down their tri-pod after bombing on stage.

Of course! A cheetah named Chester. x.com/aaronfosternet…

Mike Pence's middle name is Richard. Strange he hates gays. His name is a literal Dick sandwich!

Mike Pence is a middle aged, white guy who's lived in Indiana his whole life. He's like John Mellencamp without any talent or soul.

Lady Bird Johnson got nickname at birth when nurse said she's pretty as a ladybird. Similar thing happened to pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd

Liberals want safe spaces. Conservatives already have safe spaces. They're called safes. It's where they put their loads of money, losers!

Stand-up comedy (especially in Chicago) would not be where it is today without The Lincoln Lodge. Great cause! generosity.com/fundraising/a-…

I could never be an uber conservative or an uber liberal because I have the ability to admit when I'm wrong.

None of you would make fun of Trump's small hands if he was jacking your dick.

"Not all of the South Side is bad and not all of the North Side is good, but I'll just say it is for a cheap laugh!" -hack Chicago comedians

A virgin named Maureen. #NoHoMo

Asked to do a show where I tell worst jokes I wrote a year into comedy. In other words, I got asked to do a show where I do my current act.